An Unlikely, Unexpected Funeral

Posted on | May 27, 2009 |

Losing a Long Time Friend

Very recently, I attended the funeral of an old friend who’s recent death rocked me to my very core.  Filled with remorse, the deepest sadness I have EVER experienced, yet surprisingly an equal amount of joy and bliss, I have yet to stop thinking about it… and I undoubtedly never will.  I owe it to my friend to tell you his story in hopes that you will be able to take away a piece of his beautiful, yet pain filled life to learn and grow from.

Honestly for the longest time, I hated my friend with an absolute passion.  It was one of those friendships that you have… that you hold onto for convenience or obligation, knowing full well that this person really means well deep down but RARELY acknowledging it, in fact I could probably go as far as saying never.  He was a lot of fun at times, but it seemed the majority of the time he drove me INSANE!  It was one of those total Love-Hate relationships.

Ring Around the Rosie

My friend and I have been fairly close for as long as I can remember.  In fact, I can’t honestly remember a time without him around.  Our childhood was a pretty good.  We grew up in a small midwest, uber christian town where everyone knew your name (not to mention your business).  It was nothing to run across the street to any one of the 10 neighbors to the left or 10 neighbors to the right and borrow an egg and a cuppa sugar when mom was in the middle of a batch of cookies and realized she was out of a few ingredients.  We played with the neighbor kids all year round, growing up together and watching each other slowly mature from elementary children, through adolescence in middle school, to high school and beyond.  Summertime and Christmas-time were my friends favorite seasons in South Dakota.  Summertime was filled with hot weather, swimming lessons, mowing lawns for cash, playing Ditch ‘Em with all the friends and running around with BB guns shooting anything within range… even a little neighbor boy that was a super big jerk… right smack dab in the right buttcheek.  <rolling eyes>  Oh brother.

His home life was, from what I can tell, pretty good for the most part.  It was average… Normalsville.  I know he was very close with his mother who was SO proud of his talents and loved him very much, although he didn’t have a great relationship with his father.  His father (looking back - loved him in is own way) wasn’t the most nurturing of all souls.  He struck with an iron fist quite a few times too many in the face and head, however taught him a number of valuable lessons… mainly how NOT to be.  (But this wouldn’t be recognized until much later in his life)  His mother worked 3 jobs at times and wasn’t around that much from middle school on.  I had heard recently that she was a workaholic back then to avoid being home due to their deteriorating, unhappy marriage.  His father wasn’t super pleasant to her either.  He and his sister fought like cats and dogs growing up.  They had a very tumultuous relationship back then, and were never really friends.  I had heard that they had become very close in the last 5 or so years, and that is a HUGE blessing.

All through elementary school, middle school and high school, he was super musical.  He played the piano like a little Liberace.  Yeah, he was that good.  With a few lessons, he seemed to pick up any instrument and go to town on it.  I know he was teased immensely throughout those years.  You see, he wasn’t the biggest, or butchest in the crowd (ok, he was one of the smallest in the class) and his musical abilities and talents probably frightened a lot of the others… plus… having virtually no sports abilities… well… made him ‘different’.  He was called names and pushed around the hallways quite often.  He was told he was gay and had aids before he even knew what the word meant in the early 80’s.  He really let that get to him and he took it to heart and never forgot it as the rest of the class laughed.  I’m sure most of them didn’t know what the bully was talking about either but laughed just to fit in.  It was SO sad to watch and I never did anything to stop it.  I know it scared him… they scared him.  He was so insecure… so ashamed to have these incredible gifts with music.  During high school he really put on a brave face, hiding behind the fear, the shame and guilt for not being bigger, or sports driven, or ‘just like the others’.

A-HA!

I remember his first pivotal moment when he recognized something that none of us could have possibly noticed back then.  We were in marching band together, he and I.  This band had about 100 members, maybe even more… we were a pretty big band, and damn good!  We won competitions in the state and traveled about.  He looked at this group of 100 people and didn’t see them as being separate.  He realized that even though we were 100 individuals, we were all One.  We were ONE.  I didn’t understand what he meant… however I never forgot it, especially later in my adulthood when I got it.

A Hui Hou (Until We Meet Again)

Well, he moved away about the same time I did as my family packed us up and moved us to Arizona.  I still kept in touch with him somewhat but looking back, I really just turned my back on him after my move to Arizona.  I was embarrassed and ashamed for him at the time that he didn’t know how to stick up for himself and was always so afraid and lost.  He would have rather just avoided confrontation on all fronts, at all costs.

30 days after getting to his new home a few states away, his mother and sister darted back for South Dakota.  Apparently, his parents marriage was over.  He stayed with his father in spite of the strained relationship because he couldn’t possibly go back to the misery of the small town mentality.  After he graduated from high school, his father told him that he had one week to find a place to live because he was moving away.  By the grace of God (and the parents of good friends!), he moved into a house with some friends.  College was VERY difficult for him and he failed out 2nd semester.  Trying to conform to the status quo, he started at the state university with no clue what he was doing there.  Everybody else was going though, so he thought he should.  Instead he just floundered.  He was so lost not knowing who he was, but also what he would build a profession out of as his music was dropped when he moved away from the small town in South Dakota.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

In retrospect, my friend was ‘different’ than the rest all along, well most of them.  As hard as he prayed during his teen years, asking God to change him and make him like girls, he never changed.  He struggled with his sexuality all through his late teens to his mid 20’s.  He tried to have girlfriends, but never could ‘go there’.  He lived with fear that anyone, someone might call him on it.  Turns out, he was gay and struggling to find peace within, coming from a small town where his dogmatic church taught him that he was doomed to hell.

During this difficult, sometimes terrifying time for him, in his early 20’s, he discovered in experimenting with drugs that he could numb the pain within.  He was so desperately searching for acceptance from everybody… although he couldn’t even find it within himself to accept himself.  Drugs nearly took over his life although he woke up one day and realized that this was no way to live, nor (because he was so worried about what everyone thought of him)… it was NOT how he wanted to be remembered.

The Awakening

In the mid 90’s, my friend moved away out of the blue…. made a decision and moved 2 weeks later.  Looking back, he was running from himself.  He couldn’t handle the thought of living a gay life with this deep knowingness within that he was damned to Hell.  He couldn’t spare the embarrassment, or the disappointment he was certain everyone would look at him with.  He ran away and lived with friends.  About 4 months later, it dawned on him that he was still him… that essentially he followed himself to this new location.  He was still gay.  He still didn’t like girls even though it was his intention to find the right girl and marry her.  At 2am one night, he was driving home from work during a massive blizzard and white out.  He had this realization that he was gay and nothing was going to change that… not even 1001 prayers since his teens.  He wanted to die and nearly killed himself by running into an electricity pole on the side of the road.  However, it wasn’t his time.  There must have been a patch of ice on the highway as his car started to skid and he missed the pole.  He told me it was like a hand came right out of the Heaven’s and turned his car out of the way of the pole.

Well, needless to say, he drove home through tears and a blizzard that night.  So not surprising that this would have taken place in a blizzard either… as he was so cold on the inside with himself for so many years. My friend came to the conclusion that it wasn’t his problem anymore.  None of it… nothing anyone said in school while growing up.  Nothing anyone has said since and nothing anyone will say tomorrow.  If anyone had a problem, then it was their problem, not his.  My friend found something within himself that day.  He found his self acceptance he was searching for for so long.  He found some self esteem.  He found a stitch of Love for himself.  He left and moved back to his home that he left and life started to soar.  Upon coming out of the closet, it was as if his wings started to spread.  He had a great job that he loved so much.  He had super great friends… a LOT of them.  They all loved him for who he was.  His mother, grandmother and family accepted it with time but cried and prayed alot.  Laughing with me as he told me this, he told them it wasn’t going to work since he’s been praying for the same thing since he was 12… so why waste the breath.

Love, Love me Do.

In his late 20’s my friend met a guy.  He fell in LOVE with him.  He was head over heals, smitten with school girl jitters and excited butterflies every time this man was around.  They made a great couple too.  They were so happy with each other.  Their families accepted them both into the others with open arms.  They were SO happy for the first 5 years of their relationship.  It was blissful.  They had so much in common with each other… everything from the movies they liked to the restaurants, travel and childlike playfulness with each other.

The Trumpets played TAPS

However, times changed.  And now I’m single and living in Hawaii.  Yes, this old friend of mine that died, was me.  The old me.  The me with my eyes closed, coasting through life unconsciously.  And when I say died… I obviously don’t mean death in the physical sense of the word.  I mean death as in the death of the old unconscious behaviors… death in the old unconscious perspectives… death in the old world views… death of the pain in which I unknowingly held onto for so long.  Upon the changes, after his ‘death’, he is still with me that I have much more to learn from, as he whispers in my ear, “Remember when it felt like…”  or “Cowboy UP!  Eyes OPEN!”  Self-awareness seems to be my key right now… and wow does it unlock a LOT of doors!

Earlier when I stated that I had learned from my father on how NOT to be… I realized that I was playing out my fathers role with my partner.  I was controlling.  Rather than being aggressive like my father, I was passive aggressive deluxe!  I didn’t know how to communicate (like my parents).  I was so caught up in the pain body that I couldn’t even step outside myself to recognize any of this during our relationship.  It was HORRIFYING to me as I become aware of this behavior 8 months ago.

Since then, there has been a lot of change.  A massive death and/or transformation on so many levels.  As previously stated in my recent posts, the end of a relationship I once so dearly loved (still do), the end of a career, the end of an era in Phoenix for 22 years… many deaths so to speak.

I’m telling you this story for a purpose.  It’s not to hold up the victim card crying poor me.  On the contrary, I believe I had it good.  I know people that have been through massive abuse, sexually, physically and emotionally.  I know people that have endured much worse than I can even comprehend.

Unspoken Commonalities Amongst the Crowd

The purpose of sharing my story is this… my story is VERY much the norm with every single one of us.  My story holds a common thread within each and every soul on this planet.  We all crave to be Loved unconditionally.  We all crave to be accepted for Who we are from the very core, free from judgment.  We all want to be part of a family and we all want security.  We all want to plan for our futures.  We all want to be happy.  We all want to live in peace and with freedom.  We all want to pray to the God/Creator/Spirit/Source that we were brought up to know within our different cultures without being told and made to believe that we are less than or ‘wrong’ or bad.

Another thing my story holds a common thread within each of us, and why I ask that we all be kind to each other is because we have no idea what somebody could be battling.  Each of us is struggling within, over the past, or the present, or the future… and in most cases all of the above! I’m grateful for my struggles and turmoils, for I have grown and learn from them.  Unfortunately, it takes a massive blow torch from God and my angels scorching everything I thought was important, physically and materially, and even friends, to get my attention.  OKAY!  I get it!  Eyes open!

The Beetles said it best… All You Need is Love.

My point ends with this… I ask you to stop yourself before holding judgment for the loud lady across the restaurant, or the teenager acting out in the store, or the drunk that got his 3rd DUI, or the homeless guy on the corner, or the meth-addict that has been in the ER 4 times in the last 6 weeks.  Stop yourself and honestly put yourself in their shoes and think for one moment that if you had walked an entire lifetime in their shoes and experienced everything they have experienced that led them to this point or this situation, that you very well could be there too. Ultimately, when we are passing judgment on others, it stems from within and we are holding judgment on ourselves for God knows what!  And from my experience… it’s probably a LOT.

Start by having compassion and Love for yourself.  I hated myself for so many years.  I lived in fear and shame.  I turned my back on me.  We all have at one point or another, and we have all turned our backs on each other at times.  Start to see yourself for Who you are and recognize that you are no more and no less important than anyone next to you.  And for others… find it within yourself to hold the space of Love, compassion and empathy… not pity… for this is their journey that they need to experience.  When I recognized that the marching band out on the field was collectively One within itself, it was the dawning of my awareness.  All of us… each one of us on this planet all collectively One, searching like shadows in the night for Love, Acceptance, Worth, Forgiveness just to name a few; however, it can’t be found looking outside.  All of this can only come from within yourself, for yourself… and only then are you able to give it to your friends, your partner, your family, and your neighbors.  It took a massive transformation within my life, and the loss of my love for me to come to terms with all of this within.

It is with this little story that I hope to help you shed some much needed Light and big blessings on your path.  It’s time to stop looking back and start moving on and learn how to face our fears.

The theme song for this POST!  :)  06-when-the-sand-runs-out

Comments