Confessions From the Spin Cycle

Posted on | May 19, 2009 |

It’s been nearly 3 months since I moved to Maui.  3 months after the final separation from my partner of 11 years.  9 months since the initial separation.  Having had 3 months of some serious solitude and nothing but time and silence, I have come to some painful yet equally as beautiful realizations.

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

First and foremost… the biggest one that just blows my mind…  how we <our egos> are capable of deceiving our own selves, just astounds me.  How we can fool ourselves so easily…how we can talk ourselves into such a state of delusion and think that we are happy with our lives, or a particular situation or even a spouse!  We all do it.  We all have done it at one point or another.  We get into a routine in life, and that routine becomes easy.  It turns into complacency.  Complacency leads oneself into not living their Truth.  Complacency is essentially giving ones power away, and one isn’t speaking from their authentic self.  Suddenly after so many years of living with this delusion, its seems almost impossible to have NOT all but completely lost oneself.

The Universe Washes my Dirty Laundry

When the Universe does its spring cleaning on ones life (and trust me…  when Pluto makes its round in your astrological chart… get ready for a big shaky, scary yet super necessary ride), and that which is no longer serving you is cleared away, one is merely left with their own Self, and nothing more.  Once confronted with the terrifying realization that they no longer know who they are, there is a period of time when occasionally panic sets in.  Panic and fear over the necessity to really dig deep and find that authentic self and get to know oneSELF all over again.  Who AM I?  What am I all about?  How did I end up here?  WHY did I end up here? More importantly… WHAT do I do NOW?

Maui and Me

It’s happening to me right this very moment.  Being in Maui is quite an experience.  I had heard a number of times, from random people after arriving here that when you decide to live on Maui, you generally get ‘hit’ with all of the things that you never quite dealt with and buried deep inside.  So it is quite a whirlwind, as I am experiencing, but it MUST be definitely worth the ride… eventually.

Well, they couldn’t have been more accurate.  After going through the massive cleansing that I went through, <bankruptcy, foreclosure, loss of my mortgage career and income, loss of my 11 year relationship, leaving my home of 22 years in Phoenix, even losing some of which I thought were very close unbreakable friendships>, I have had nothing but time and me… two of the scariest things right now to be confronted with.  It’s like this GIGANTIC black hole just opened up out of nowhere and sucked so much of what/who I thought I was, right out into nothingness and left me with this HUUUUUGE VOID… on so many levels… physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.  A huge void remains where Joe stood too.  With this (perceived) very important piece gone it’s almost like you have to grow new limbs and teach yourself to stand up and walk on your own again.  I have never felt more alone.  I have never felt such deep loneliness…. never in all of my life.

Another friend of mine here told me, “Jeff, you can’t hide from yourself here.”  And boy was he right.  It has been nothing but me looking back at me, into me, from the minute I got here.  Never before have I experienced such emotional pain and hurt.  Never before have I experienced such fear of what the future holds.  Never before have I ever held on to regrets as I have recently…the woulda coulda shoulda that the ego beats you with.

Eyes Wide Shut No More

But it’s what I’ve needed.  I get that now.  My eyes are wide freakin’ open!  I have obtained a level of clarity about myself, inside and out that I had once avoided.  Facing all of these dark places within is ultimately necessary.  I guess you could say that I have had a massive growth spurt since I arrived.  And growing pains HURT.  No way around it.

I know if I remained back home, I wouldn’t be in the same position that I am today.  I would still be running around with my eyes closed.  Rather than facing the internal music, I would still be avoiding facing that dark, scary ugliness by means of those diversionary tactics that we all have clung onto at one point or another in times of personal crisis…. the friends, the bars, the restaurants, the parties, the new dates, the random booty calls, etc etc…  All just temporary distractions offering the instant gratification necessary to <for the moment> divert your attention from that which is most needing your attention… YOU.  My good friend Robert Pease told me, “Kiddo, you are going through this difficult period of time without booze, drugs and sex… all of which most people turn to in order to escape the internal pain.  You are feeling it my friend!  You keep allowing yourself to feel the feelings and let them go.  It’s the quickest way to recovery!”

How do I do this?  What do I do?  What do I focus on?

My intentions during this break are as follows…

• I intend on letting go of the past.

• I intend on letting go of the relationship as it has been (destructive, dysfunctional, unhealthy, codependent, lack of communication, fear based, insecure, focusing on lack).

• I intend on coming to peace within and without and to accept what is.

• I intend on recognizing all of these experiences as well as Joe for the AMAZING teacher it/he has been.

• I intend on walking with undying gratitude in my heart for all of this as well as having had these painful experiences with Joe to learn from.

• I intend on walking forward with my eyes wide open, aware and conscious at all times.

• I intend on addressing the internal anger and strife…and forgiving myself, Joe, and us… and not holding on to the emotional pain any longer.

• I intend on coming out of this with an entirely new set of eyes, and an open heart.

• I intend on coming out of this loving Joe.

• I intend to come out of this continuing to learn the tools that I lacked at one time… the art of communication within a relationship… unconditional love… setting boundaries… all in order to build a new life, to grow and to know and live the Love that we know is there between us <all of us, as we are One>… but has been stifled and broken down with stress of daily routines, insecurity and fear within each one of us.

Is the Laundry Finished Yet?

At the end of the day, it just boils down to what’s inside oneself.  Nothing else really matters.  Remember, every experience we as human beings have, whether our ego deems it ‘good’ or ‘bad’, is ESSENTIAL for soul growth.  These ugly, most painful times which may look different to each of us, are just as important (if not MORE important because they force us to go DEEP) as the high, great, super fun times!!  Facing the darkside of ourselves is one of the scariest, yet most necessary pieces that will allow ourselves to let go of the garbage so that we can finally live in peace and BE peace.  Peace within = Peace without.  There is gold in the darkness, and I intend to continue on this scary path to find ALL of it.  With the help of my amazing friends, colleagues, and Heaven <yay angels!  Our angels are INCREDIBLE support for us if we only dial 911 on our red phones to Heaven and scream HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!  Yeah… I have those numbers worn OUT on my red phone to Heaven>… not to mention the incredible experiences Joe had given me to learn from, even Joe himself… I am getting closer every minute to finding my incredible, more valuable beyond any earthly riches, HEAP of golden treasure within the darkness.

Aren’t you ready to be finished spinning too?

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